{"id":639,"date":"2024-08-21T18:43:16","date_gmt":"2024-08-21T18:43:16","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/renewinglife.net\/?p=639"},"modified":"2024-12-17T19:01:55","modified_gmt":"2024-12-17T19:01:55","slug":"why-can-i-forgive-everyone-but-i-cant-forgive-myself","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/renewinglife.net\/renewing-life-center-blog\/why-can-i-forgive-everyone-but-i-cant-forgive-myself\/","title":{"rendered":"Why Can I Forgive Everyone, But I Can\u2019t Forgive Myself?"},"content":{"rendered":"

My husband, Vince, is a pastor who has taught a lot on the topic of forgiveness. Because so many struggle with it, I asked him to write a blog on forgiving yourself.<\/em><\/p>\n

How Do I Forgive Myself?<\/strong><\/p>\n

A few years ago, at our church in Las Vegas we did a series on forgiveness. The first three weeks were on forgiving people who have hurt you, and they were wildly popular. Our attendance shot up each week. What surprised us was the fourth week; that\u2019s when our attendance exploded<\/em>. The fourth week was about forgiving yourself<\/em>. Turns out people struggled to forgive others, but really<\/em> struggled to forgive themselves.<\/p>\n

An author named Brennan Manning tells of when he spent 28 days in a treatment program for alcoholics. One day they sat in a circle and everyone was encouraged to tell the whole truth, to themselves and the group, about the extent of their drinking. They went around the circle and everyone told the truth, except for a successful businessman named Max. He said, \u201cI never really drank that much.\u201d They told him, \u201cYou\u2019re in an alcoholic treatment center. Tell the truth to yourself. Admit it.\u201d He said, \u201cI am being honest. I\u2019ve never had that much to drink.\u201d Later the group had to answer the question, \u201cHave you ever hurt anybody while you were drunk?\u201d Everyone around the circle told the truth until they got to Max, who said, \u201cI would never hurt anyone, sober or drunk.\u201d<\/p>\n

The leader replied, \u201cMax, we don\u2019t believe you. We\u2019re calling your wife.\u201d He did, on a speakerphone for everyone to hear. Max\u2019s wife answered and the leader asked, \u201cHas Max ever mistreated you or any of your kids when he was drunk?\u201d She said, \u201cJust this last Christmas Eve he took our 9-year-old daughter shopping. On the way home, Max passed a bar and saw the cars of some of his buddies so he pulled in. It was a cold night, 12 degrees, with a high wind chill. He left the car running so the heater could stay on and told our daughter he\u2019d be right back. He went into the bar and started drinking with his buddies. \u2026 He didn\u2019t come out till midnight. The car had run out of gas and shut off. The windows had frozen and he was unable to open any of the doors. When the authorities came they opened the door and rushed our daughter to the hospital. She was so badly frostbitten that her thumb and forefinger had to be amputated. And her ears were so damaged by the cold that she’ll be deaf for the rest of her life.\u201d The group turned to Max, who had fallen off his chair and was convulsing on the floor.<\/p>\n

Why? Because he was faced with the truth about himself. A truth he couldn\u2019t handle, and so he had been living in denial. Living in a fantasy world because he felt like he could never forgive himself.<\/p>\n

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you:<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Physically hurt someone in some way.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Walked out on your family.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Were involved in an accident that seriously injured someone.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Had an abortion when you were younger.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Found yourself wrapped up in an affair.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Went through a rebellious period in your teens, and know the damage it did to your parents.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Were in the military and can\u2019t forget the things you saw and did.<\/p>\n

\u00b7\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0\u00a0 Did someone wrong in a business deal and it ruined them financially.<\/p>\n

You wonder: How do I forgive myself? What do I have to do to feel <\/em>forgiven?<\/p>\n

What Forgiveness Isn\u2019t, And Is<\/strong><\/p>\n

To forgive other people, we need to understand what forgiveness isn\u2019t, and what it is. To forgive ourselves<\/em>, we need to understand those same things, and apply them to ourselves.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness is not saying it wasn\u2019t wrong<\/em>. Part of the reason we won\u2019t forgive ourselves is because we know what we did was wrong. It was bad. Yeah, it was. But you still<\/em> need to forgive yourself. And when you do, you won\u2019t be saying it wasn\u2019t wrong.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness is not forgetting<\/em>. We can\u2019t forget what we\u2019ve done. Honestly, we\u2019ll never forget. But we still<\/em> need to forgive ourselves.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness is not pretending it didn\u2019t happen<\/em>. We may not want to forgive other people because we think it means we\u2019re letting them get away with it. It can be the same with ourselves. I know I deserve punishment for what I did, so I hang on to the awful feeling of what I\u2019ve done, because I believe I shouldn\u2019t just get away with it. But forgiveness is not pretending it didn\u2019t happen, it\u2019s not ignoring sin. It\u2019s dealing with sin in love.<\/p>\n

That\u2019s some of what forgiveness is not.<\/em> Let\u2019s get clarity about what forgiveness is<\/em>.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness is releasing my hope for a better past<\/em>. The truth is we can\u2019t change the past, and, if we hold onto it, it can ruin our future. When we forgive \u2013 ourselves – it doesn\u2019t change our past, but it can<\/em> change our path.<\/p>\n

You have a God who says, \u201cYou\u2019ve beaten yourself up enough.\u201d God wants you to move on. He\u2019s giving you the gift of a better future, through giving you the gift of forgiveness of your sins. But when you say, \u201cI know God has forgiven me, but I can\u2019t forgive myself\u201d not only will you stay stuck in the past, but you\u2019re refusing to accept God\u2019s gift of a better future, through refusing to accept His gift of your sins being forgiven.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness is also releasing my right to retaliate<\/em>. The Bible says, \u201cDon\u2019t repay evil for evil,\u201d and Jesus taught, \u201cYou have heard it said, \u2018An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth\u2019 but I tell you to love your enemies and do good to those who hate you.\u201d Guess what? Those verses apply to yourself as well.<\/p>\n

You did something evil? Ok. But you have to stop thinking evil thoughts about yourself because of it. Don\u2019t repay evil for evil. You need to stop hating yourself and beating yourself up.<\/p>\n

Forgiveness also releases the power of Jesus into my life<\/em>. God is asking you to forgive \u2013 yourself. He knows it\u2019s not easy, so He\u2019s offering to come alongside you and empower you to do what you need to do.<\/p>\n

The Price Has to Be Paid<\/strong><\/p>\n

One reason it can be so hard to forgive ourselves is because we probably hurt another person. We may feel like we can\u2019t forgive ourselves for the hurt that was done to someone else.<\/p>\n

It is true that forgiveness always involves a cost. We\u2019ve sinned. There\u2019s a cost to sin. Someone has to pay. We\u2019ve been making ourselves pay, by feeling miserable and hating ourselves. But Jesus has already paid the penalty of our sins on the cross.<\/em> Jesus paid the cost.<\/p>\n

What we need is someone outside ourselves who can take the penalty and the guilt of what we\u2019ve done. That\u2019s why we need Jesus. Because of what He did, God forgives us, and because God forgives us, we can forgive ourselves. The price has already been paid. And so, God tells us, \u201cTherefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus\u201d (Romans 8:1).<\/p>\n

You\u2019re free from having to bear the guilt of what you\u2019ve done.<\/p>\n

A Life of Love<\/strong><\/p>\n

So, yes, you screwed up. (Welcome to the club!) You sinned, but are you really going to let that define you? Are you going to let it ruin your entire life?<\/p>\n

We need to take our sins seriously, but our sins don\u2019t define us. We\u2019re not worthless because of our sins, and we\u2019re not worthwhile because of the good we\u2019ve done. Our worth is based on God\u2019s love for us. The Bible says, \u201cSee what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!\u201d (1 John 3:1). You\u2019re defined not by your sin, but by God\u2019s love. And you need to forgive yourself, allowing your evil to be overcome by God\u2019s love and moving forward into a life of love.<\/p>\n

Counseling can help us to forgive ourselves. The staff at the Renewing Life Center is always here to help. Call the office at 702-434-7290 to schedule an appointment.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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